tart.

just a little squeeze.

seven months ago i quit my job to pursue a new career. perhaps the country's staggering unemployment rate and my lack of experience should have alerted me to the possibility that i might not find a job... perhaps. after earning my teaching certification, a semester of substitute teaching and 1,989 applications/resumes... i am without a full-time teaching position. and while substitute teaching is proving to be quite rewarding (and chock-full of blog worthy experiences) the pay is less rewarding. so, in the interest of my financial stability and with considerable damage to my self esteem, i moved back home.

my old bedroom has been updated and is now a well-appointed guest room. this is an improvement i much prefer to the lisa frank stickers i'd artistically stuck to the mirror of my great-grandmother's bedroom vanity, lavender wall color to match (of course) the floral and lace lavender comforter set, and the impressive collection of stuffed animals. however, in this luxury guest suite i have yet to receive a complimentary breakfast-in-bed or a mint-on-my-pillow turn down service... clearly a management oversight! and the closest space... once upon a time, one tiny closet was more than enough for all my precious little clothes AND shoes. fast forward to today, and i've got that sucker so jam-packed that sometimes, most of the time, i just close my eyes, shove my hand in and hope i don't pull out two pairs of pants. i don't even know where my shoes are. which brings me to the second closet, once overflowing with toys, books, dolls and everything i shoved in there when mom said "clean your room," it now serves as extra-storage space for everyone else and all the things they don't have room for. isn't extra-storage nice? i wouldn't know. additionally, the window-seat, where i used to play teacher with said stuffed animals, and at least 1/4 of the rest of the room is stacked with boxes from my former life. the home-front is a bit crowded, to say the least.

but there's always the night-life... sort of. with a population just under 4000, this town doesn't exactly lend itself to an array of exciting and varied social opportunities. don't get it twisted, i do enjoy the local watering-holes more than i could ever express. but at some point a girl needs to put on some heels (and make up) and shake it... no, not two-step it, shake it! and i haven't seen anything even slightly resembling a carrie bradshaw-approved cosmo since i left the city limits. as for dining-out, if i could eat chicken-fried steak with cream gravy every day believe you me i would. but i can't, so i guess i'll just stay in.


things i wish i knew yesterday:
1. i can cry about this detour in my plan... or i can laugh.
2. if i misplaced most of the boxes stacked in my room, i wouldn't miss a thing.
3. the neighbor's rooster is a lot more effective (annoying?) than an alarm clock.
4. a delicious lone star light is approximately 140 fewer calories than a cosmo, and exactly 1,000 times more tasty!

chlorophyll, more like borophyll.

i am a substitute teacher... at my old high school.

i should note that i recently moved home after 10 years of successfully working and living in several different cities and states. it's a riveting tale of hope, despair and rising again which i'll save for a future post.

first assignment at my dear alma mater: girl's p.e. coach. for those of you who know me: insert laughter, shortness of breath, continued laughter. for those of you who don't, i'll explain. while i won't say that i'm the furthest thing from a world-class athlete (as at present my wii fit age is 25, that's -2 years my real age) i do lack a certain grace, finesse and general coordination competency to ever be labeled as anything close to athletic. despite my shortcomings i handled myself quite well in the role of coach and even taught the ladies a thing or two about volleyball. it seems they didn't understand the rules for scoring a point or when to rotate; if i know nothing else in life, i do know how to score, and the importance of synchronized rotation. what's even more awkward than my athletic abilities... the gym smells exactly the same as it did 10 years ago.

second assignment: freshman spanish teacher. it is a well-known fact that i was the spanish club president in 2001. during my reign i 1. planned an awesome field trip to san antonio where we saw the alamo on our way to the riverwalk mall. 2. planned a colorful and tasty cinco de mayo fiesta. and 3. learned how to make a piñata. despite the courageous efforts of my high school spanish teacher (for 4 years) and various college professors (for 2 years), i speak "polite" spanish at best. turns out that is just enough spanish to scare freshman into believing you're legit.

things i wish i knew yesterday:
1. you can't be a real coach without a whistle.
2. i often confuse the fact that i am extremely competitive with being athletically inclined.
3. 15 years old or 6 years old, the 'teacher look' is unassailable.
4. i would someday return to high school... as a teacher.

shake and bake.

i attempted cake-pops.

i've made them thrice before and to my credit they did turn out well... not so much this time. it started last year for my best friend's birthday, my obsession with these bite-size-on-a-stick delights, and i just cannot stop. while it's true i don't make them very often, it's not for a lack of my thinking up creative and super cute ideas. it's more a lack of execution ability.

the logistics: a regular cake batter mix makes about 60 cake pops. baking, rolling, freezing, stick, icing  x 60 + one slightly crazy perfectionist = foul language and a bad attitude. so about 38 (ok exactly) cake pops in i decided they weren't cute enough to share with the world. i should note that i have mild-to-moderate obsession with being martha stewart.

so i threw them all away. yes, all of them and the 4.5 hours i'd spent working on them.

things i wish i knew yesterday:
1. white chocolate doesn't melt the same as dark chocolate.
2. cake pops would come out a lot better if i'd had a couple of glasses of wine while baking.
3. martha went to jail. she's not perfect either.

dinner, dancing and eternity to follow.

wedding season, it's more fun than christmas.

it's been a marathon wedding season (also known as 'summer') for me and my friends. while it's true that i am no closer to being betrothed than i was 3 months ago, i have had so many wonderful friends 'take the plunge' this summer. there's a range of varied and sometimes embarrassing emotions that a single person experiences during the season of wedded bliss and i have, embarrassingly enough, experienced them all.

the ugly, the bad, the good. in that order.

jealousy: i cannot tell a lie, well i can, pretty well actually, but i won't. i have been jealous. it's not one of my finer looks but it's one i've dawned a couple of times (in the privacy of my own home of course) over the last few months.

self-doubt: it's ugly too. but it has happened with much more frequency (in the company of best friends of course) and it hurts a lot more too. 

and finally..
overwhelming happiness: it-is-so-fun-when-friends-get-married!!!! i feel so blessed that i am friends with these amazing people! they found eternal happiness! they asked me to be a part of their happiness! the people i know party like diddy!

things i wish i knew yesterday:
1. waiting for love ain't easy. being unhappy or self conscious makes it harder.
2. wedding cake and shiner bock might be better than wedding cake and champagne... just sayin'.
3. bring back-up deodorant for outdoor receptions. embarrassing, but true.

so good when it hits your lips.

i'm on a diet.

if you've ever been on a diet yourself or spent any length of time in proximity of someone who is denying themselves of life's most delicious treats then you know 1. how rude, inappropriate and/or violent a diet-suffer can become without provocation or fair warning and 2. that the sweet, sweet moment when a dieter finds a healthy alternative to their favorite calorie laden delight is life-altering.

enter yoplait light yogurt: southern red velvet cake. i love red velvet cake almost as much as i love being from the south. there are no two things that i love to hear more than 'with cream cheese frosting' and 'bless your heart.' to say the least i was excited to try this new product, well new to me because as of last week i was still eating the calorie-laden, awe-inspiring, heavenly real thing. so excited i bought 2 cups of this tasty prize because i already knew, before trying it, that yoplait light southern red velvet cake yogurt and all its deliciousness would inspire me to continue said diet, workout, change my lifestyle, lose 13231 pounds, find a husband, get married, happily ever after.... in a 6 oz cup.

fast forward to shock and horror. it's gross. there are far more impressive adjectives i could use to describe this but the sheer disappointment of just how unfortunate this product is has left me with so little energy/will to live that 'gross' is the best i can do.

things i wish i knew yesterday:
1. you have 10,000 taste buds (or so says the mcdonald's billboard i pass everyday on the way to work) and you don't want to piss all of them off at the same time.
2. i have to practice tempering my enthusiasm with a dose of reality.
3. grandma's make red velvet cake, yoplait makes yogurt. simple as that.
4. jello pudding, 60 calories, sweet moment.

blogging, much like pimpin'... ain't easy.

this is my second attempt at blogging ... within the last 3 months.

with the first blog, i had too lofty of goals. i wouldn't write unless i had something life-altering to share... that ain't easy. while it's true that i do lead a decidedly fabulous and adventure-packed life (or something close to that) i can't always entertain/educate the masses through my experiences. the second, and probably more detrimental element of the first blog, was my fixation on finding a funny video to go with each post. that's not so easy when the blog is about say... sleeping my life away, facebook relationship statuses, my mother's cruel words of advice, etc.

things i wish i knew yesterday:
1. short and entertaining is better than long-winded and poetic.
2. picture, video, amateur sketch... it's all the same.
3. accessories, especially those of the bedazzled/animal print variety, make everything easier.