a hot-mess moment.

ugly crying and other embarrassing things everyone does. 

3 years since my last post... perfect timing! i’m pretty sure the last time i blogged i didn’t have a job. i do have a job. yay! i am also a homeowner! (home renovation is a process i probably should have blogged about, but i was too busy inhaling paint fumes, taking short jumps off tall ladders, and other general diy-type things.) but the house is not falling down, and the job is good, so those don’t really provide much blogging material. however, this little nugget of a life event does…

so, we broke up. and i saw a dog today. (that’s an inside joke that only my bff and buddy the elf fans will get, sorry.) i’m not usually the type to advertise these kinds of traumatic moments. por ejemplo, from the ages of 10-20 i watched my dad die from multiple sclerosis and hid most of my heartache pretty well with a delightful mixture of sarcasm, humor, cleavage, and cheap booze. but, i have learned, at the wise old age of 30, that these are things everyone goes through. and there really is something to finding the humor in life… all of life. this experience has shown me that the anatomy of a breakup doesn’t really change much whether you’re 16 or 30, except for the fact that i have a dispensable income now! and that helps.

stage 1 - trouble's abrewin’: this is really the stage that varies most from person to person. during this stage, i generally like to keep quiet.. eh, silent, and hide from the world and trouble. kinda like an animal in the wild that’s being hunted… stand very still, blend in, it’ll go away. but, if i were an animal i feel like i’d be a flamingo, and those things don’t really camouflage well.. just sayin’. i know lots of people who take more of a peacock approach during this stage, tell all of their friends, talk about it lots, make a facebook status, take a selfie… and in some ways, i really admire those people. this is life; living it out loud isn't always bad.

stage 2- fight or flight: there are only two kinds of people in the world. unfortunately, i’m a fighter. i will text 1.2 million times, and call, and cry, and try to make everything better by whatever means possible. sometimes i fight dirty… with a lot of mean words. and sometimes i fight drunk… with mostly inaudible crying words. i talked to one of my good friends during this stage. she said, "when someone wants to break up with me, my first reaction is to get mad. i just say ‘f* it!’ and walk away.” i love her… i want to be her when i grow up. (it’s fair to mention that she is in a healthy, stable, long-lasting relationship, but had to say ‘f* it’ a few times to get there.) it's not that i think being a "fighter" is necessarily bad, it's made me very strong and successful in many aspects of my life. it's just that i do the bulk of my embarrassing displays of emotion during this stage. fortunately, this stage never lasts too long... due mostly to the fact that my dear, sweet mother says things like, "put on some makeup, i didn't raise you to act crazy." it's times like these that i am most thankful for her pearls of wisdom. :)

stage 3 - here i go again on my own: err’body is the same… just with different musical anthem preferences. i am a huge believer in God’s will and, after the initial shock and awe stages of breaking up, i have absolute faith that the good Lord has a good plan that neither of us nor our crazy can mess up. with that being said… i love Jesus, but i drink a little. when you’re 16 and break up, you take what you can get during this stage because your hostessing job at the local diner doesn't really afford you good booze or good vacations. boones farm at your best friend’s camp-house is about as 4-star as it’s gonna get. but, i’m 30, and i like expensive boxed-wine and exotic places. healing is an expensive process, and this is where the dispensable income is handy!

things i wish i knew yesterday:

1. mama said there’d be days like this, there’d be days like this...

2. sometimes you just gotta let the crazy flag fly, and not worry about what others will say.

3. it's ok to love, it's ok to hurt, it's ok to show people how you feel.

4. st. croix is only a plane ticket away.