mom, the meatloaf.

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all my rowdy friends are... having babies?

as per my usual holiday schedule i've spent every waking moment (and some sleeping) with family and friends. at this stage in my life that means there are exactly 2983.9 children, under the age of 7, running around all jacked up on 'santa's coming!!' to add to the excitement my best friend has just announced that she and her husband will welcome a baby boy in april!!!!!! ahh!! too excited to type!!! with all this baby-havin', kid-screamin', santa-visitin' good time i am often left with the feeling that i am truly missing something. i'm 27, and that's prime baby-making time. i love children, so much in fact i've dedicated my career to teaching them. and i want to be someone's mom. as the holidays rolled on my biological clock and i were feeling a little less holiday spirit and a lot more lonely. then God, in all of His infinite wisdom and humor, reality-checked me and my little clock!

act I, scene I: a group of us are at a shwanky restaurant celebrating my friend's bday. the wine is flowing, the oysters have been served (not that i noticed over the flowing wine), and a lot of inappropriate adult conversation has commenced. bliss. enter my bff's 17-month-old knocking over a glass of water and screeching with glee. 1st spill, i'm fine... by the 3rd spill, my biological clock and i were taking a synchronized dive into another bottle of wine. i love this baby with all of my heart, and i would babysit him 366 days a year, but at that moment all i could think was "i love this kid, but i love more that he's not my kid."

act I, scene II: my bff's sister has two of the most precious baby girls in all of the world; one of which is in the potty training stage of her sweet little life. so we're enjoying a fun holiday afternoon of baking with girlfriends when sweet baby trainee chooses to forgo the potty for her diaper. insert my horror at 1. the smell. and 2. the realization that we didn't have any diapers. we now have to go home but there's a hitch, sweet-baby-smelly-pants is hysterical about having to sit in her car seat with said smelly pants. picture this: me driving a minivan. enough said. but add that i'm jamming out to cee-lo's 'forget you' on the radio, sweet pie 1 is in her car seat, and mommy is holding smelly sweet pie in the very back of the minivan, as i drive us home. maybe it's that i was paralyzed with panic when i heard the words, 'we don't have any diapers.' maybe it's that my first thought was to take a water hose to this precious child. maybe it's that, without regard for the freezing temperatures or the child's feelings, i rolled down every window of the minivan upon her entering. either way my biological clock and i came to the resounding consensus that i am just not ready... yet.

things i wish i knew yesterday:
1. i really don't want a minivan. ever.
2. my kids will be darn lucky if i am even half as great as the wonderful moms by which i am surrounded.
3. i do have a very genuine and real motherly instinct... it's just not as strong as my very genuine and real love for consuming copious amounts of alcohol.
4. if potty training a kid is anything like house training a dog, it's not looking good for my offspring.

jive turkey.

because that's the way we've always done it.

over the years, my fondness for this gluttonous day of glory has grown exponentially... much like my pant size. and while the food is my first love, it's the traditions that keep me coming back for more (pun intended). we'll blame it on all of the amazing women in my family who have simply continued what is worth continuing. and while the itinerary for the actual day of thanks hasn't changed much, what was once a 1 day sprint to the fat farm has evolved into a 4-5 day marathon... and i'm not mad about it. beyond the traditional family (biologically speaking) thanksgiving, i have been blessed with a family of friends who graciously include me in their family traditions.

and in the in-between we make up a few traditions of our own...
1. midnight shopping. two days ago i was morally opposed to black-friday. i literally could not think of a worse way to end the tryptophan induced haze than to spend the wee-hours of the morning with crazed shoppers on the hunt for a deal. but about a bottle of wine into the night, that all changed. while drowning our sorrows, following a rather unfortunate texas/texas a&m outcome, my girlfriends and i decided that maybe midnight shopping at our local wal-mart was not such a bad idea. and in fact, it was the most brilliant idea we've had to date. with a little vino to take the edge off,  'finding the deals' was almost as much fun as enjoying the locals who take this sort of shopping seriously. 2 shop-vacs, 2 belgian waffle makers, 2 electric griddles and 38 dvds later... the three of us have a new thanksgiving tradition.
2. friday morning i awoke, a little black-friday skip in my step, and decided i needed to share these good deals with the masses. i made my way to my bff's parents' house for a little coffee and company. i should note that my friend is 1 of 9 children... there is always plenty of company (and coffee) at their house. we spent the morning making our way through recorded episodes of criminal minds, interrupted by a head-to-toe fashion consult as my friend chose an ensemble for her evening out -- side note: sisters are like super-honest-best-friends-on-crack. since i haven't known the joy of having a sister, my findings after spending several hilarious days with these 4 ladies are absolutely going to make their way into a blog post. -- after everyone moseyed on their way my bff's older sis adopted me for the day. together the two us drank champagne, ate strawberries, watched leap year, and made cinnamon-chocolate brownies with white chocolate ganache, which we also ate. it was a rather romantic afternoon (without any pressure) and a new thanksgiving tradition that i think is equally hilarious and awesome!

things i wish i knew yesterday:
1. legit black-friday shoppers do not think it's funny that you and your friends continue to take pictures and shout things like "omg, the deals are so hot i'm sweatin'!"
2. during a multi-day thanksgiving marathon, you'll need a break from the turkey... margaritas and fajitas are a fantastic option!
3. it is not impossible to type and eat pumpkin pie at the same time.
4. you can't win 'em all, texas. hook 'em!

all rise.

justice = served.

for those of you who have not had the pleasure of serving on a jury, please do not read this post! i don't want to 'ruin the surprise' for you when your day of service eventually comes.

i have been summoned for jury duty several times, we'll call it my good fortune. in fact, the frequency with which i am 'randomly selected' is nearly enough to form a weak, yet totally spooky, conspiracy theory. unlike my previous summons, this time i didn't have a 'legitimate exemption' and therefore i dutifully answered the call to service. and, because i'm super lucky, i was selected for the jury. fyi: if you would like to avoid actually being selected for a jury i would recommend thinking of the most crazytown response you can dream up and then reciting said response regardless of the question asked. it's a technique i've seen used with great success. i'm not exactly sure how attorneys decide which jurors to choose. i'd like to think, per my being selected, that they pick the brightest and most well-rounded candidates. i now know, per this experience, that is not necessarily the case.

as for the actual trial... it was less a time to kill, more construction engineering lecture. the case was about levee construction on duck-hunting leases; slightly less intense, even for the avid sportsman. turns out, they save the 'good-stuff' for jury deliberation.

there's always one. far be it for me, as a juror, to deny any other juror their right to be ridiculous... but o.m.g! this one must have slipped through the virtually fail-proof 'crazytown response' filtering method. i'll spare you the gory/hilarious details but somewhere between his telling another juror he would "agree with her if she bought him a hamburger" and his entertaining and spontaneously fabricated expertise in the area of levee construction, i started looking for the hidden camera and ashton.

things i wish i knew yesterday:
1. the gavel is apparently optional. disappointing.
2. that whole 'swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...' bit is a lot scarier in real life than on tv.
3. jury duty is a lot like waiting in a voting line, kind of an inconvenience but a right i am proud to exercise.
4. let the record reflect, following my service as the trier of fact in proceedings of the 2nd 25th judicial district court, inter alia, it is my intent hence forth to intermingle legalese in layman tête-à-tête without regard for actual meaning or appropriateness!!

don't tell mom, the babysitter's dead.

practically perfect.

the reality of playing nanny for a week is quite different from the magical-happyland i'd imagined. i pictured myself cooking wonderfully balanced meals while the children did their homework, laughing and playing together. we'd do crafts and sing and go on adventures to the library... as butterflies and sparkle fairy dust and little angels floated all around us. wait...what?!

in the interest of full disclosure, lovebug 1 and 2 are actually some of the most well-behaved, well-mannered, bright, and freakin' cute kids in all of the world. i guarantee you that my own children will be un-tamable beasts in comparison. with that being said... they're still kids, and i'm not their parent.

day 1: straight out of a babysitter's club fairy-tale. probably because having me around was still new and shiny and fabulous.
and then it was monday...
school, homework and all those other ordinary-everyday-things... will wear the shine off of a new babysitter real quick! the first of my happyland dreams was shattered at breakfast. you see, when people say "kids are picky eaters" that doesn't just mean they eat a lot of junk food and candy. sometimes that means they just don't like what seems obvious to every other reasonably functioning human being on the planet! for example, lovebug 2 does not like butter on his waffles. does not like it so much in fact that he refuses to eat them. duly noted, sir. one pefectly buttered, syrupy waffle in the trashcan... one perfectly un-buttered, still syrupy waffle coming right up. there were a few other entertaining meltdowns, and then i was introduced to the most well-guarded of parenting secrets.

if bribing children is wrong, i have no interest in being right, ever. trust me, there are no words more powerful than 'if you (fill in the blank) you can play legos/play in your room/watch cartoons/wear your silly-bandz/have a popsicle.' this is the kind of power that could, literally, be dangerous in the wrong hands. i learned this little trick from a real-life mom. 1 and 2's aunt happens to be my bff. i called her a few times (ok everyday) this week for general parenting rules and restrictions. there is truly no better line of defense than a mom.

but somewhere between "that's not how my mom does it!" and "you're about to lose your tv privileges!" there are sweet, sweet moments:
-piled four-deep in bed, between the love bugs and a sweet pooch taking turns saying our prayers.
-when bug 2 (who weighs about 40lbs soaking wet) opens my car door because, and i quote, 'that's what boys do for ladies.'
-when buggy 1 stands as close as possible and holds onto the edge of my cardigan, to get just a little closer.
it's all better than i could have imagined... plus sparkly dust seems like it would be hell to clean up!

things i wish i knew yesterday:
1. it takes a village. and in that village you should have at least one person who will come and 'dispose' of the opossum caught in a trap in the garage.
2. i am confident that i could convince any kid, anywhere, anytime to do anything, with just one m&m cookie and a box of silly-bandz.
3. my definition of 'balanced meal' has been expanded to include: corn dogs, mac & cheese and instant pudding.
4. i still don't, and probably won't ever, enjoy playing legos.

tart.

just a little squeeze.

seven months ago i quit my job to pursue a new career. perhaps the country's staggering unemployment rate and my lack of experience should have alerted me to the possibility that i might not find a job... perhaps. after earning my teaching certification, a semester of substitute teaching and 1,989 applications/resumes... i am without a full-time teaching position. and while substitute teaching is proving to be quite rewarding (and chock-full of blog worthy experiences) the pay is less rewarding. so, in the interest of my financial stability and with considerable damage to my self esteem, i moved back home.

my old bedroom has been updated and is now a well-appointed guest room. this is an improvement i much prefer to the lisa frank stickers i'd artistically stuck to the mirror of my great-grandmother's bedroom vanity, lavender wall color to match (of course) the floral and lace lavender comforter set, and the impressive collection of stuffed animals. however, in this luxury guest suite i have yet to receive a complimentary breakfast-in-bed or a mint-on-my-pillow turn down service... clearly a management oversight! and the closest space... once upon a time, one tiny closet was more than enough for all my precious little clothes AND shoes. fast forward to today, and i've got that sucker so jam-packed that sometimes, most of the time, i just close my eyes, shove my hand in and hope i don't pull out two pairs of pants. i don't even know where my shoes are. which brings me to the second closet, once overflowing with toys, books, dolls and everything i shoved in there when mom said "clean your room," it now serves as extra-storage space for everyone else and all the things they don't have room for. isn't extra-storage nice? i wouldn't know. additionally, the window-seat, where i used to play teacher with said stuffed animals, and at least 1/4 of the rest of the room is stacked with boxes from my former life. the home-front is a bit crowded, to say the least.

but there's always the night-life... sort of. with a population just under 4000, this town doesn't exactly lend itself to an array of exciting and varied social opportunities. don't get it twisted, i do enjoy the local watering-holes more than i could ever express. but at some point a girl needs to put on some heels (and make up) and shake it... no, not two-step it, shake it! and i haven't seen anything even slightly resembling a carrie bradshaw-approved cosmo since i left the city limits. as for dining-out, if i could eat chicken-fried steak with cream gravy every day believe you me i would. but i can't, so i guess i'll just stay in.


things i wish i knew yesterday:
1. i can cry about this detour in my plan... or i can laugh.
2. if i misplaced most of the boxes stacked in my room, i wouldn't miss a thing.
3. the neighbor's rooster is a lot more effective (annoying?) than an alarm clock.
4. a delicious lone star light is approximately 140 fewer calories than a cosmo, and exactly 1,000 times more tasty!

chlorophyll, more like borophyll.

i am a substitute teacher... at my old high school.

i should note that i recently moved home after 10 years of successfully working and living in several different cities and states. it's a riveting tale of hope, despair and rising again which i'll save for a future post.

first assignment at my dear alma mater: girl's p.e. coach. for those of you who know me: insert laughter, shortness of breath, continued laughter. for those of you who don't, i'll explain. while i won't say that i'm the furthest thing from a world-class athlete (as at present my wii fit age is 25, that's -2 years my real age) i do lack a certain grace, finesse and general coordination competency to ever be labeled as anything close to athletic. despite my shortcomings i handled myself quite well in the role of coach and even taught the ladies a thing or two about volleyball. it seems they didn't understand the rules for scoring a point or when to rotate; if i know nothing else in life, i do know how to score, and the importance of synchronized rotation. what's even more awkward than my athletic abilities... the gym smells exactly the same as it did 10 years ago.

second assignment: freshman spanish teacher. it is a well-known fact that i was the spanish club president in 2001. during my reign i 1. planned an awesome field trip to san antonio where we saw the alamo on our way to the riverwalk mall. 2. planned a colorful and tasty cinco de mayo fiesta. and 3. learned how to make a piñata. despite the courageous efforts of my high school spanish teacher (for 4 years) and various college professors (for 2 years), i speak "polite" spanish at best. turns out that is just enough spanish to scare freshman into believing you're legit.

things i wish i knew yesterday:
1. you can't be a real coach without a whistle.
2. i often confuse the fact that i am extremely competitive with being athletically inclined.
3. 15 years old or 6 years old, the 'teacher look' is unassailable.
4. i would someday return to high school... as a teacher.

shake and bake.

i attempted cake-pops.

i've made them thrice before and to my credit they did turn out well... not so much this time. it started last year for my best friend's birthday, my obsession with these bite-size-on-a-stick delights, and i just cannot stop. while it's true i don't make them very often, it's not for a lack of my thinking up creative and super cute ideas. it's more a lack of execution ability.

the logistics: a regular cake batter mix makes about 60 cake pops. baking, rolling, freezing, stick, icing  x 60 + one slightly crazy perfectionist = foul language and a bad attitude. so about 38 (ok exactly) cake pops in i decided they weren't cute enough to share with the world. i should note that i have mild-to-moderate obsession with being martha stewart.

so i threw them all away. yes, all of them and the 4.5 hours i'd spent working on them.

things i wish i knew yesterday:
1. white chocolate doesn't melt the same as dark chocolate.
2. cake pops would come out a lot better if i'd had a couple of glasses of wine while baking.
3. martha went to jail. she's not perfect either.

dinner, dancing and eternity to follow.

wedding season, it's more fun than christmas.

it's been a marathon wedding season (also known as 'summer') for me and my friends. while it's true that i am no closer to being betrothed than i was 3 months ago, i have had so many wonderful friends 'take the plunge' this summer. there's a range of varied and sometimes embarrassing emotions that a single person experiences during the season of wedded bliss and i have, embarrassingly enough, experienced them all.

the ugly, the bad, the good. in that order.

jealousy: i cannot tell a lie, well i can, pretty well actually, but i won't. i have been jealous. it's not one of my finer looks but it's one i've dawned a couple of times (in the privacy of my own home of course) over the last few months.

self-doubt: it's ugly too. but it has happened with much more frequency (in the company of best friends of course) and it hurts a lot more too. 

and finally..
overwhelming happiness: it-is-so-fun-when-friends-get-married!!!! i feel so blessed that i am friends with these amazing people! they found eternal happiness! they asked me to be a part of their happiness! the people i know party like diddy!

things i wish i knew yesterday:
1. waiting for love ain't easy. being unhappy or self conscious makes it harder.
2. wedding cake and shiner bock might be better than wedding cake and champagne... just sayin'.
3. bring back-up deodorant for outdoor receptions. embarrassing, but true.

so good when it hits your lips.

i'm on a diet.

if you've ever been on a diet yourself or spent any length of time in proximity of someone who is denying themselves of life's most delicious treats then you know 1. how rude, inappropriate and/or violent a diet-suffer can become without provocation or fair warning and 2. that the sweet, sweet moment when a dieter finds a healthy alternative to their favorite calorie laden delight is life-altering.

enter yoplait light yogurt: southern red velvet cake. i love red velvet cake almost as much as i love being from the south. there are no two things that i love to hear more than 'with cream cheese frosting' and 'bless your heart.' to say the least i was excited to try this new product, well new to me because as of last week i was still eating the calorie-laden, awe-inspiring, heavenly real thing. so excited i bought 2 cups of this tasty prize because i already knew, before trying it, that yoplait light southern red velvet cake yogurt and all its deliciousness would inspire me to continue said diet, workout, change my lifestyle, lose 13231 pounds, find a husband, get married, happily ever after.... in a 6 oz cup.

fast forward to shock and horror. it's gross. there are far more impressive adjectives i could use to describe this but the sheer disappointment of just how unfortunate this product is has left me with so little energy/will to live that 'gross' is the best i can do.

things i wish i knew yesterday:
1. you have 10,000 taste buds (or so says the mcdonald's billboard i pass everyday on the way to work) and you don't want to piss all of them off at the same time.
2. i have to practice tempering my enthusiasm with a dose of reality.
3. grandma's make red velvet cake, yoplait makes yogurt. simple as that.
4. jello pudding, 60 calories, sweet moment.

blogging, much like pimpin'... ain't easy.

this is my second attempt at blogging ... within the last 3 months.

with the first blog, i had too lofty of goals. i wouldn't write unless i had something life-altering to share... that ain't easy. while it's true that i do lead a decidedly fabulous and adventure-packed life (or something close to that) i can't always entertain/educate the masses through my experiences. the second, and probably more detrimental element of the first blog, was my fixation on finding a funny video to go with each post. that's not so easy when the blog is about say... sleeping my life away, facebook relationship statuses, my mother's cruel words of advice, etc.

things i wish i knew yesterday:
1. short and entertaining is better than long-winded and poetic.
2. picture, video, amateur sketch... it's all the same.
3. accessories, especially those of the bedazzled/animal print variety, make everything easier.