don't tell mom, the babysitter's dead.

practically perfect.

the reality of playing nanny for a week is quite different from the magical-happyland i'd imagined. i pictured myself cooking wonderfully balanced meals while the children did their homework, laughing and playing together. we'd do crafts and sing and go on adventures to the library... as butterflies and sparkle fairy dust and little angels floated all around us. wait...what?!

in the interest of full disclosure, lovebug 1 and 2 are actually some of the most well-behaved, well-mannered, bright, and freakin' cute kids in all of the world. i guarantee you that my own children will be un-tamable beasts in comparison. with that being said... they're still kids, and i'm not their parent.

day 1: straight out of a babysitter's club fairy-tale. probably because having me around was still new and shiny and fabulous.
and then it was monday...
school, homework and all those other ordinary-everyday-things... will wear the shine off of a new babysitter real quick! the first of my happyland dreams was shattered at breakfast. you see, when people say "kids are picky eaters" that doesn't just mean they eat a lot of junk food and candy. sometimes that means they just don't like what seems obvious to every other reasonably functioning human being on the planet! for example, lovebug 2 does not like butter on his waffles. does not like it so much in fact that he refuses to eat them. duly noted, sir. one pefectly buttered, syrupy waffle in the trashcan... one perfectly un-buttered, still syrupy waffle coming right up. there were a few other entertaining meltdowns, and then i was introduced to the most well-guarded of parenting secrets.

if bribing children is wrong, i have no interest in being right, ever. trust me, there are no words more powerful than 'if you (fill in the blank) you can play legos/play in your room/watch cartoons/wear your silly-bandz/have a popsicle.' this is the kind of power that could, literally, be dangerous in the wrong hands. i learned this little trick from a real-life mom. 1 and 2's aunt happens to be my bff. i called her a few times (ok everyday) this week for general parenting rules and restrictions. there is truly no better line of defense than a mom.

but somewhere between "that's not how my mom does it!" and "you're about to lose your tv privileges!" there are sweet, sweet moments:
-piled four-deep in bed, between the love bugs and a sweet pooch taking turns saying our prayers.
-when bug 2 (who weighs about 40lbs soaking wet) opens my car door because, and i quote, 'that's what boys do for ladies.'
-when buggy 1 stands as close as possible and holds onto the edge of my cardigan, to get just a little closer.
it's all better than i could have imagined... plus sparkly dust seems like it would be hell to clean up!

things i wish i knew yesterday:
1. it takes a village. and in that village you should have at least one person who will come and 'dispose' of the opossum caught in a trap in the garage.
2. i am confident that i could convince any kid, anywhere, anytime to do anything, with just one m&m cookie and a box of silly-bandz.
3. my definition of 'balanced meal' has been expanded to include: corn dogs, mac & cheese and instant pudding.
4. i still don't, and probably won't ever, enjoy playing legos.

tart.

just a little squeeze.

seven months ago i quit my job to pursue a new career. perhaps the country's staggering unemployment rate and my lack of experience should have alerted me to the possibility that i might not find a job... perhaps. after earning my teaching certification, a semester of substitute teaching and 1,989 applications/resumes... i am without a full-time teaching position. and while substitute teaching is proving to be quite rewarding (and chock-full of blog worthy experiences) the pay is less rewarding. so, in the interest of my financial stability and with considerable damage to my self esteem, i moved back home.

my old bedroom has been updated and is now a well-appointed guest room. this is an improvement i much prefer to the lisa frank stickers i'd artistically stuck to the mirror of my great-grandmother's bedroom vanity, lavender wall color to match (of course) the floral and lace lavender comforter set, and the impressive collection of stuffed animals. however, in this luxury guest suite i have yet to receive a complimentary breakfast-in-bed or a mint-on-my-pillow turn down service... clearly a management oversight! and the closest space... once upon a time, one tiny closet was more than enough for all my precious little clothes AND shoes. fast forward to today, and i've got that sucker so jam-packed that sometimes, most of the time, i just close my eyes, shove my hand in and hope i don't pull out two pairs of pants. i don't even know where my shoes are. which brings me to the second closet, once overflowing with toys, books, dolls and everything i shoved in there when mom said "clean your room," it now serves as extra-storage space for everyone else and all the things they don't have room for. isn't extra-storage nice? i wouldn't know. additionally, the window-seat, where i used to play teacher with said stuffed animals, and at least 1/4 of the rest of the room is stacked with boxes from my former life. the home-front is a bit crowded, to say the least.

but there's always the night-life... sort of. with a population just under 4000, this town doesn't exactly lend itself to an array of exciting and varied social opportunities. don't get it twisted, i do enjoy the local watering-holes more than i could ever express. but at some point a girl needs to put on some heels (and make up) and shake it... no, not two-step it, shake it! and i haven't seen anything even slightly resembling a carrie bradshaw-approved cosmo since i left the city limits. as for dining-out, if i could eat chicken-fried steak with cream gravy every day believe you me i would. but i can't, so i guess i'll just stay in.


things i wish i knew yesterday:
1. i can cry about this detour in my plan... or i can laugh.
2. if i misplaced most of the boxes stacked in my room, i wouldn't miss a thing.
3. the neighbor's rooster is a lot more effective (annoying?) than an alarm clock.
4. a delicious lone star light is approximately 140 fewer calories than a cosmo, and exactly 1,000 times more tasty!

chlorophyll, more like borophyll.

i am a substitute teacher... at my old high school.

i should note that i recently moved home after 10 years of successfully working and living in several different cities and states. it's a riveting tale of hope, despair and rising again which i'll save for a future post.

first assignment at my dear alma mater: girl's p.e. coach. for those of you who know me: insert laughter, shortness of breath, continued laughter. for those of you who don't, i'll explain. while i won't say that i'm the furthest thing from a world-class athlete (as at present my wii fit age is 25, that's -2 years my real age) i do lack a certain grace, finesse and general coordination competency to ever be labeled as anything close to athletic. despite my shortcomings i handled myself quite well in the role of coach and even taught the ladies a thing or two about volleyball. it seems they didn't understand the rules for scoring a point or when to rotate; if i know nothing else in life, i do know how to score, and the importance of synchronized rotation. what's even more awkward than my athletic abilities... the gym smells exactly the same as it did 10 years ago.

second assignment: freshman spanish teacher. it is a well-known fact that i was the spanish club president in 2001. during my reign i 1. planned an awesome field trip to san antonio where we saw the alamo on our way to the riverwalk mall. 2. planned a colorful and tasty cinco de mayo fiesta. and 3. learned how to make a piñata. despite the courageous efforts of my high school spanish teacher (for 4 years) and various college professors (for 2 years), i speak "polite" spanish at best. turns out that is just enough spanish to scare freshman into believing you're legit.

things i wish i knew yesterday:
1. you can't be a real coach without a whistle.
2. i often confuse the fact that i am extremely competitive with being athletically inclined.
3. 15 years old or 6 years old, the 'teacher look' is unassailable.
4. i would someday return to high school... as a teacher.